31st July 2006. South Bank. I wish I felt like this picture. But I never really do now.  

Straight outta Long Compton

29th July 2006. Buffalo Soldier.  

Size 44

So this week I've decided  in the main to get fat. Next week begins the Adonis Plan. Powered by Qumana

Qumana

Trying out Qumana (as an alternative to the now sadly missed but for some reason flawed Performancing for Firefox) blog posting software - you can get it here. Let's see how this little programme goes down works.

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Gout's out

So, good ol' Doc Geepee says it ain't gout and that I need physiotherapy. Cave canum old chap, that just isn't the case. Here is the evidence:
1. I used to drink less water than a Kalahari bushman.
2. Lilbro has gout.
3. Big toe joint sore as if in a vice. And on fire.
No doubt: gout. But lo, the tests are back and levels are normal. Or some such. Well I'd suggest, with respect, that the tests are wrong. Still, maybe the physio will be able to add weight to my cause. I'll keep you both posted.

25th July 2006. Roasting.  

Simulated WMD

Meanwhile, Stateside:

Six friends spruced up in fake blood and tattered clothing were arrested in downtown Minneapolis on suspicion of toting "simulated weapons of mass destruction."

Ah let joy be uncontained - the idiocy continues.

Whatever next - murder a crime?

This story ranks up there with the recent decision not to allow sex offenders to work in schools. (Yes, if you are reading this anywhere but the UK, you may be surprised to learn that until this year it was sometimes, at the Home Secretary's discretion, OK for sex offenders to be employed in schools - make of that what you will. Me, I make of it I-N-C-R-E-D-U-L-O-U-S). Today we learn that the Immigration Dept. are to keep a record of who goes in and who goes out of the country. Blimey, what a stupendously clever idea - why didn't we think of that before, you know, like, erm, WHEN PASSPORTS WERE INVENTED!?
Yes, I know, I know, you thought they already did that. Barcodes on passports, seventy five hour security queues on stepping foot inside Shatwick, Looton, Heavethrow and the like - surely this was all for a reason? No, apparently not. The barcodes are there to make your passport easier to sell or something, while the seventy five hours of security are there (a) to piss you off; and (b) for no other reason whatsoever except to make the hard-ons at the desks feel good. But still, don't worry, the situation isn't going to change until 2014. You'll be dead from red mercury poisoning by then, or killed in Newt's WWIII.

Al? Kay-Eeezagood!

Honestly, you couldn't make it up. The CPS have tried to prosecute 3 idiots for attempting to buy kriptonite, I mean "red mercury", under British terrorism laws:

The prosecutor, Mark Ellison, admitted the police had no idea if there even was such a thing as red mercury - supposedly the main ingredient for a "dirty bomb" which could have devastated London.He warned the jury not to get "hung up" on whether red mercury actually existed at all. ...

Has Peter Clark, Scotland Yard's anti-terrorist chief, seen this? You remember him, he's the one who a few weeks ago said "we must guard against blame, recrimination, speculation or myths taking the place of solid public information." Well Pete, there's another bit of myth building you've missed - you're own officers involved in a pathetic sting that would even shame American security services.
So far we've had WMD - don't exist. Ricin - none found. Brazilian overstayer - shot dead. Poisoned burgers at a football match - outcome unknown, but none hurt. And now the fake sheik from the News of the World trying to sell non-existent substances to people who don't know what they are buying. To describe this situation, try rearranging the words: Farce. What. Complete. A.
Yep, I know, there was July last year. Awful. But please, no more talk of war and 1200 operatives on the streets waiting to pounce (Mr Reid - please hurry up and announce yourself not fit for purpose). There are a few nutters out there, always will be, and let's hope the police have some luck catching the next crew. But no more of this sort of nonsense, it is shameful.

Love / Hate (but mostly hate)

On the one hand Condi is in there spouting peace, on the other them good ol' boys in the USA are speeding up weapons delivery to the Israelis. You got to admire hypocrisy on such a scale. And there was I thinking that The Possibility of an Island was unnecessarily bleak... What is incredible is that there are people out there who still believe that humanity is worth saving.

23rd July 2006. Kew Palace.  

23rd July 2006. Kew. I promised this gentleman I'd let you know that Kew is a scientific establishment and not just a park.  

23rd July 2006. Kew.  

Gone Crime

Sometimes ones preconceptions are turned upside down, as here at Kennesaw (where? NW Georgia, USA according to Google Earth) where apparently the murder rate is incredibly low because there is a local law that requires the head of all households to own a gun... Quakers, what do they know?

Oh dear non-existent

Apparently Newt Gingrich thinks we're in the midst of WWIII and has been listening to John "Mad Twat" Reid who has been telling him that there are 1200 terrorists in the UK. Well FM Reidy babes, but if 1200 terrorists can't manage to blow up a lampost then I'm sorry, I won't be getting scared this side of Christmas you stupid git. Where are these deranged people coming from? I do apologise for the swearing but Jesus H C, what are they on about? Have they read a book / seen a film / opened a newspaper in the last 25 years? WE ARE NOT AT WAR. They may, for the sake of their feeble careers and in an absurd attempt to make themselves appear important, try and talk things up but WE ARE NOT FOOLS. War = enemy, fighting, killing, sense of threat. Their paranoid fantasies are fueling the numbers of the dead for sure, but I'm sorry, they cannot convince people that we are under attack. Some sadsacks get on a a train or a bus every now and again and kill some decent people but that doesn't equate to the opening of the Western Front. They are sad, deranged (and of course religious) individuals, but that is all they are - they don't represent an organised threat. That said, of course, there is Iran... Oh, and N. Korea.

17th July 2006. Sunrise.  

18th July 2006. Southbank. 

Spam Highlights in verse, 16th July 06

V!aGra BL00s

Can you satisfy your girlfriend?
Zev Swatzell says I can - he promises
Rock Hard Manhood, Multiple Explosions and
Several Times more Semen Volume.
All I have to do is
Come on in...

Truism #4

"Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious."
- William Feather

Knife Amnesty

But why?
"Hmm, now where did I put that bayonet? Ah yes, there it is. Now, shall I just wrap it in a bit of old cloth and throw it out, or shall I wrap it in the same cloth, get on a bus, get off a few stops later, find the police station, ask about the Knife Amnesty and hand it in? I know, I'll go to the police station. Why? Because I am dumber than Dubya."

13th July 2006.  

11th July 2006. About five minutes ago from attic window - fireworks at Kew.  

8th July 2006. Asthall Manor, Oxfordshire: On Form sculpture exhibition.  

8th July 2006. One more of the pub (The Falkland Arms, Great Pew, Oxfordshire - fabulous).  

8th July 2006. This was two doors down from the pub. Cute eh?  

8th July 2006. Stayed here last night - very pleasant and the singers were great (well, except for their going-to-the-toilet song). Surrounded by beautiful scenery, nice food, great beer - who needs Tuscany?  

8th July 2006. Chevy Brookwood with Significant Other. Check out those fins baby! 

8th July 2006 St Michael's Church, Great Pew. (Disclaimer: I, of course, didn't take the handholding picture and how I wish I had. I don't know who to attribute it to so if you know who took it do let me know and I will give them due credit).  

Nice weather for chavs

Pop over to the Met Office (or MET OFFICE!! to give it the moniker it wishes to have) and you will find warnings about severe weather. Just like you do every morning on the weather forecast on the radio. Over the last few years it has become the norm for forecasters to make out that here in the UK the weather is a cross between hurricane alley during the season, Siberia, and India under her monsoons. At the moment a few days of sunshine have given rise to dire "warnings" of a heatwave and all the death, chaos and destruction that that inevitably entails.... Like newsagents putting their supplies of poisoned chocolate in the fridge.
What is it with this tabloiding of the weather? The UK has the most non-descript weather in the world and jazzing up forecasts with dire warnings about non-existent threats won't convince people otherwise. If Met Office employees are after excitement they ought to move abroad to somewhere there is some weather; failing that, keep it simple.

Doh

The Beeb reports today that the terrorist threat to Britain remains high:

Officers at a Scotland Yard briefing said they continued to be very concerned by the intelligence picture, with 70 investigations continuing and some of the information received described as "very sinister".

Are these the same officers as those previously responsible for tearing down an east London house in pursuit of WMD of the unique invisible type owned by Saddam? Or perhaps they are the officers who shoot Brazillian overstayers? What about those who were involved in uncovering the plot to poison a hamburger stand? I really am terrified as clearly the Western world is on the brink of destruction. Quick, get me some tinned food and bottled water....

FFS.

There is more at the Guardian, where they quote Peter Clarke, head of the anti-terrorist branch:

"With terrorist cases taking anything up to two years or longer to come to court, the public are unaware of many important things that have happened in this country," he said. "That is a pity and it means we must guard against blame, recrimination, speculation or myths taking the place of solid public information."

That last is interesting - "speculation", "myths"? The ones peddling these things are the police and the press. Sure, cases may take two years to come to court, but what about charges? Where are the suspects, what have they been charged with? If you want us to believe you, Peter, give us some hard evidence, give us a conviction, give us anything, in fact, except your dubious word.

28th June 2006. British Museum. Falling Globe timepiece, mid-17th century, Vienna.  

27th June 2006 British Museum.  

26th June 2006. Variation on a theme.