12 October 2015

Printing: You'll Live Longer if You Don't

It's true, statistically proven. The presence of a printer in your home reduces your life expectancy by 5.1%, give or take a centile. You can read all about it on Wikipedia. So, chuck them out. Dump them. Defenestrate them (I actually did that once - it was orgasmic). Set them on fire. Better yet, never buy them in the first place.
Anyway, here's why they kill you:

1. Inkjet printers don't. They don't print. They might once or twice, then they dry up and die or, worse, don't die but promise they will change, like a violent alcoholic partner. "Next time, no jam, I swear. Next time, I won't turn magenta on you. No, no, don't throw me out - next time, no messy smears; they weren't my fault - you provoked me. I know I cost a lot to keep around, but I'm worth it - you won't find fidelity like mine elsewhere. Let's move away, change to Mac - it'll be different, we'll work together. " Etc. Don't believe a word of it. They are thieving lying bastards and deserve to die.
2. Laserjet printers do, sometimes, print. But of course, this is just the beginning of the sh*t they're going to give you: borderless doesn't mean borderless. It means with a border. Scale to fit doesn't mean fill the page, it means with a border. Fit entire page means "give this image a border". Settings are different every time you turn on the machine of course, that's a given. Pictures look crap, that too is a given. Black and white text might be ok but for everything else you're looking at jumble sale flyer circa 1972, roneo'd and awful.
3. So, please, let us have an amnesty - let's start again. Chuck 'em all - Kodak, HP, Samsung, Canon - chuck 'em all on the scrap heap and get someone who cares to design them from the paper tray up. Only then is there a hope for humanity.

So, anyway, here's a picture - it's a photography blog, right? Don't print it of course, but feel free to enjoy it here.


3 October 2015

Great Birnam Wood

Trying something out in some woods (Philipshill, not Great Birnam of course), near Chorleywood, today. Not quite there yet but I shall persevere. Whilst I got the timing - dusk - right, much else was wrong. For starters, the images lacked the emotional impact I'd hoped they'd have - getting a sense of woodishness from pictures, photographs, is very difficult - you can't, as it were, see the wood for the trees. Try it - honestly, it's difficult. Woods are an experience, not a picture. It was wonderful to be amongst the trees, to be out there, today, but my excitement didn't translate. It often doesn't of course. But, well, anyway, onward. More pictures will of course follow at some stage.

St Barnabas House, Soho, last night

M, Soho