12 October 2015

Printing: You'll Live Longer if You Don't

It's true, statistically proven. The presence of a printer in your home reduces your life expectancy by 5.1%, give or take a centile. You can read all about it on Wikipedia. So, chuck them out. Dump them. Defenestrate them (I actually did that once - it was orgasmic). Set them on fire. Better yet, never buy them in the first place.
Anyway, here's why they kill you:

1. Inkjet printers don't. They don't print. They might once or twice, then they dry up and die or, worse, don't die but promise they will change, like a violent alcoholic partner. "Next time, no jam, I swear. Next time, I won't turn magenta on you. No, no, don't throw me out - next time, no messy smears; they weren't my fault - you provoked me. I know I cost a lot to keep around, but I'm worth it - you won't find fidelity like mine elsewhere. Let's move away, change to Mac - it'll be different, we'll work together. " Etc. Don't believe a word of it. They are thieving lying bastards and deserve to die.
2. Laserjet printers do, sometimes, print. But of course, this is just the beginning of the sh*t they're going to give you: borderless doesn't mean borderless. It means with a border. Scale to fit doesn't mean fill the page, it means with a border. Fit entire page means "give this image a border". Settings are different every time you turn on the machine of course, that's a given. Pictures look crap, that too is a given. Black and white text might be ok but for everything else you're looking at jumble sale flyer circa 1972, roneo'd and awful.
3. So, please, let us have an amnesty - let's start again. Chuck 'em all - Kodak, HP, Samsung, Canon - chuck 'em all on the scrap heap and get someone who cares to design them from the paper tray up. Only then is there a hope for humanity.

So, anyway, here's a picture - it's a photography blog, right? Don't print it of course, but feel free to enjoy it here.

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